Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Tuesday, February 17, 2004

As a Mets fan, I am upset that Alex Rodriguez is now a member of the Yankees. I'm sure he'll still be great, but if he actually went to the Mets, he'd end up sucking. They have a history of signing very good players who end up being awful and usually get into some sort of legal trouble.

I now present to you A-Rod's timeline as a New York Met:

Feb. 17 -- The Mets make it official and sign A-Rod. Hype and expectations are at an all time high. The NY Post, giddy with the prospect of all of the new puns they can now use, displays the headline "A-God".

April 12 -- On Alex Rodriguez bobblehead Doll Day in A-Rod's first regular season home game as a Met, he goes 0 for 4 with four strikeouts and commits 11 errors. After the game, he calls it a fluke and says he just has to work through some of the nerves. He is booed mercilessly from the fourth inning on and pelted with his own bobbleheads.

April 14 -- To get back on the good side of Mets fans, Alex organizes Alex Rodriguez Fan Appreciation Day, in which he gives $1,000 to every fan in attendance. He goes 0 for 3 with a sacrifice fly. He is booed, although no one throws their money at him.

April 24 -- Now batting .187, on a road trip to Chicago, A-Rod accidentally shows up at Comiskey Park, rather than Wrigley because he is so used to playing for an American League team. He ends up putting on a Tampa Bay Devils Ray uniform, and somehow goes 4 for 4 with eleven home runs. He realizes he's on the wrong team in the sixth inning, goes to Wrigley where he somehow strikes out seven times in 3 at-bats.

May 28 -- After a month in which he batted .087, A-Rod begins to show signs of a nervous breakdown. On a road trip to Florida, he calls Daryl Strawberry for help and spiritual guidance. Daryl agrees and invites him over to his house for a reading of the Holy Bible. At approximately 2AM, they are both arrested for snorting coke off of the Bible. Facing deadline, the NY Post editors decide to go with the headline, "A-Cokehead". The next day they issue an apology for the lack of originality.

June 3 -- A-Rod rejoins the team after a brief stint in rehab. He claims to be a new man, and in his first game back, he goes 4-for-4 with 7 RBI. Hope is restored to Mets fans who think the season will now be salvaged.

June 4 -- A-Rod apparently hits his first triple of the season, but is called out. During the argument, A-Rod somehow eats third base umpire, Gary Darling.

June 25 -- After spending a week in jail for involuntary manslaughter, two weeks of community service and filming a Public Service Announcement talking about the dangers of eating umpires, A-Rod is allowed back to play with the Mets, who are currently enjoying a ten game winning streak.

July 5 -- Having not won a game since A-Rod's return, the Mets start listening to offers for a trade. A-Rod doesn't help his own cause when he holds a press conference announcing that he has been donating half of his salary to the Al-Qaeda terrorist network.

July 13 -- Still garnering the most votes for the All-Star team, a visibly drunk A-Rod shows up to the All-Star Game and plays an entire inning without pants. All he wears is a Mr. Met sock puppet over his penis.

July 15 -- Completely fed up with his lack of production and his embarrassing off-field behavior, the Mets trade Rodriguez to the only interested team, which happens to be the Yankees. Officially, the trade is Alex Rodriguez for a minor league catcher and $2,000 dollars in Chuck E. Cheese tokens. During the press conference announcing the trade, Mets General Manager Jim Duquette, says, "We are glad to have this cancer off of our team. Well, he was actually worse than cancer. It would be like if cancer could somehow get cancer, that's what Alex Rodriguez was to this team. We wish him the best of luck in his career with the Yankees."

July 16 - October 30 -- A-Rod bats .780 for the Yankees and becomes the World Series MVP. After the World Series, he dedicates his offseason to pediatric cancer research and by Spring Training, he rids the entire world of cancer. "I was really hurt when I was called worse than cancer by the Mets. It inspired me to eliminate this horrendous disease. Also, I have broken my ties with Al Qaeda and I am now working with all organizations in the Middle East to end violence." At the beginning of the next season, Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon are seen sharing popcorn in box seats right behind home plate.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006