As I begin to watch the fourth NFL playoff game of the weekend, I request the following:

To the fans who put makeup on their face and/or dress up like idiots: Please stop. Getting on TV is not that great of a feat. I was on Romper Room when I was a kid. It wasn't that awesome.

To the directors who instruct their cameramen to show the fans who dress up like idiots: Please stop doing this. You make people who don't normally watch football turn away, because now they are under the impression that you have to be mildly retarded to enjoy football.

To defensive players that stop the opponents on a first and ten, then celebrate like you just won the Super Bowl: Nice play, but the offense has at least three more opportunities to get past you. Stop them for the rest of the day, then you can celebrate.

To everyone playing against the Green Bay Packers: Brett Favre's dead father is obviously on God's good side, and he controls these playoffs. You might as well not even try.

To the makers of the Coors Light ads: More boobs! You guys are focusing way too much on the beer these days.

To Joe Buck, Troy Aikman and Cris Collinsworth: Congratulations on becoming the smartest and most enjoyable commentators that the NFL has to offer.

To Joe Theismann and Paul Maguire: Two words - Murder-suicide. (Well, it's hyphenated, so I guess it's one word.) But you guys are the worst commentators the NFL has to offer. I would much rather watch a drunk Joe Namath try to hit on lesbian sideline reporters. ESPN would be better off to put two cats in heat in the broadcast booth, because they might actually be more pleasant to listen to.