Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Wednesday, December 10, 2003

When I left on Friday morning, it had just started snowing, so I missed the big storm. I was sitting there on the runway (in a plane of course) and the flurries began to fall, then we took off. Perfect timing. Jesus loves me.

It's always weird to fly above the clouds when you know it's downright shitty on the ground. Once you get past the cloud line, it's all sunny. It's the kind of thing inspirational quotes are made of. "There is always a sunny day on the other side of the clouds." Or, "You have to climb through the clouds to reach the sun." Or, "You know what? It really isn't worth it. You should kill yourself."

One of the many many many weird things about Branson is that you can go see a show at 9:30 in the morning. My sister, being that she is part of the entertainment industry of Branson, can get in to most shows for free, plus one guest. So I was that guest. We went to see Yakov Smirnoff one morning. I was hungover. I was tired. I was ready to laugh my "Yak-off".

That was the guarantee of the show. That you would "laugh your Yak-off." So me and my sister (Laurie) were ready to lose our Yaks. Not really knowing what my Yak is, I can say with some certainty that I did not lose it. Nothing fell off of me. Yakov has lost his edge. They should call him Hack-ov Smirnoff. In his defense, he is playing for a rather lame crowd. Old, religious people at 9:30 in the morning, so he can't really be too edgy. But come on. He did the old, "Why do they sell hot dog buns in packs of twelve, but the actual hot dogs in ..." You get the joke. I heard that shit back in '88 on the MTV Half-Hour Comedy Hour. He should update that joke for a new generation.

"How come they sell condoms in packs of ten, but you only have one penis? What a country!" Feel free to take that one, Yakov.

We then saw Andy Williams. He was at 3:00. A little late-night entertainment. The guy puts on a good show. It's all Christmas songs and crap, so you kind of know what to expect. Except of course for this one part where a bear came out and started singing about how much he wanted cookies. He actually looked like the Labatt's Bear. It was a horrible moment in the show and I was embarrassed for everyone involved. But they made up for it soon after when the bear and Andy Williams ended up bringing a case of Labatt's to a bachelorette party and got laid, while they sang "For We Need a Little Christmas."
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006