Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Tuesday, December 09, 2003

Oh yes. I am back from visiting my sister. It was like I had died and gone to Branson!

Seriously, it was like I died, because everywhere around me were people that looked like they should be dead. So old. On my flight there, I had a layover in Memphis. On the smaller plane that took us to Springfield/Branson, I was the only person on the plane under the age of 65. And if you were 65, you were pretty young.

They made the announcement before we boarded the plane asking that anyone with special needs who might need a little extra time to get on the plane should do so now. That was everyone on the plane except for me. Even the flight attendant was pretty old. She was leaning on the little stand, collecting boarding passes, wheezing, looking like she was ready to pass out. They also announced that the bathroom on the plane didn't work. That didn't really matter, since everyone was probably wearing a diaper. I'm pretty sure our plane was parked in a handicapped spot.

So the actual town of Branson. Where do I start? The quote from the Simpsons, about it being like Vegas run by Ned Flanders, is frighteningly accurate. They love America and Christianity. The place looks like Uncle Sam and Jesus took a shit together, and what came out was Branson. There is no shortage of American flags. I'm pretty sure the president will not have to visit for his re-election campaign. Nor does Jesus.

The area around it is actually very pretty. It's pretty much in the Ozark mountain area, about 15 minutes from Arkansas, so the hillbilly meter is quite high. We went to a bar one night where a country music band was playing, and the clientele was quite interesting. A lot of the women looked like Susan Smith, the woman who drowned her kids a few years ago, and the men look like they are getting ready for the John Deere Hat/Red Flannel Shirt Pageant. Who will win that is anyone's guess. It will be a close contest.

You might be asking what I was doing in Branson in the first place. Well, my kid sister, who has a background in musical theater, is there performing in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. She is the understudy to the Narrator, which is the only female lead in the show. Who has the lead? I'm glad you asked. It is Kellye Cash. Who is that? I'm glad you asked. Not only was she once named the Republican Babe of the Week, but she is also the great niece of Johnny Cash and was Miss America in 1987.

I'll write more later about Yakov Smirnoff and Andy Williams. I will tell you this: Andy Williams was funnier than Yakov.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006