Last night I decided I'd eat some pizza. On my way to the pizza place, I started skipping. I can't remember the last time I skipped. It was fun. This was brought on by, I think, three things.

One, I was excited at the prospect of pizza. I really like pizza, so I was thinking about eating the pizza and that thought made me happy.

Two, I had a V8 earlier in the day, and I really believe this made me feel swell for the rest of the day. I could have been in a commercial. Tonight, when I don't feel like skipping, I'll think, "I should have had a V8!"

Three, I saw my future step-nephew-in-law this weekend. And being a 5-year-old, he started to skip. He was having so much fun doing it, and I almost started to go along with him, but my dick was like, "Don't do it, fag."

Looking back, it made perfect sense to do it then, because I was with a kid, and when you're with a kid in New York at Christmas time, you've got every right in the world to act gay. But instead I decided to do it last night, on my way to get pizza. Of course, I checked to make sure no one was around, especially the construction workers who are still constructing a building next to mine. So there was no one and then I skipped. For no more than five seconds. Probably less than three.

But it was so much fucking fun!

You should all skip today. It's the perfect pace. If everyone skipped, we'd all be happier and on-time. It doesn't leave you out of breath, yet it is probably better exercise than just walking. If you are running late, rather than running and getting to work all out of breath, trying to explain your lateness, skip to work, smile as you walk in and say, "Oh, am I a little late? I hadn't noticed. I was too busy skipping!"

Please. I want to get this whole damn country skipping around like a bunch of 5-year-olds at Christmas.

And I'd just like to add that someone got to my web site yesterday by searching "John Denver's penis". I'd like to wish good luck to that person in all of their future endeavors. I just got a movie idea! "Searching for John Denver's penis". It'll be all about John Denver trying to promote skipping to the country, so people label him as gay, which starts a rumor that he has no penis. Of course, he does have a penis, and the entire country goes on this journey and realizes that you can have a penis and skip, and it doesn't make you any less of a man. This movie will win lots of awards.

I will play the part of John Denver, and playing the part of my talking penis who explains everything to the country will be Shaquille O'Neal.