Because I don't have the patience for a real best-of list for the year, I'm going to list some of my favorite lines from my own blog. That's right. I'm just plugging myself. Plugging myself? Gross!

Anyway, these aren't necessarily the best lines, but these are lines that make me laugh. Try to use them tonight at some New Year's parties. Just throw them in randomly during conversations.


3/14 "Make it a true Daily Double, you pussy!"

5/30 I'm currently at my childhood home. Also my teenage home and up until about a year and a half ago, my "Holy shit, I can't believe I'm still living at home" home.

5/29 I probably burn my mouth twice a week... I think my mouth is sensitive, which just adds to my dad's theory that I'm gay.

6/26 You know what they say about Italians -- they like pasta and can't fly kites for shit.

6/17 If a contestant doesn't impregnate any women, they will get their own sitcom about a bumbling, childless cop called "Shootin' Blanks."

4/10 Take that, France! You big fairy peace queens!

8/25 I went 24 hours without power and bitched about it constantly. I'm a pussy!

09/28 I really should get my ass to the gym. Just my ass though. The rest of me is perfect.

09/24 His Finding Nemo review was just a picture of him jerking off on a fish.

11/07 To me, as a child, freedom meant being able to rip one in church, without fear of eternal damnation.

And now my favorite...

12/16 I will play the part of John Denver, and playing the part of my talking penis who explains everything to the country will be Shaquille O'Neal.