Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Monday, November 10, 2003

People often get to my site by searching for advice. I feel bad that when they get here, there is little advice to be had. For example, in the past few days, people have gotten here by searching the following:

my man humps like a dog

how to politely tell a woman your sorry for cheating on her

In case these people return, I will give them some advice.

Dear Dog Hump Victim,

I'm guessing that your boyfriend is just trying to hump you to get his rocks off. There is no love. He doesn't slow down to caress you, kiss you in the right places when those places need to be kissed. Instead, he's all about busting that nut. I think you should talk to him. Open communication in a relationship is important, especially when it comes to intimacy. Tell him that you are not just an object for his own personal satisfaction. Don't be afraid to let him know what you like. No matter what your father has told you, you are not a sperm bank.

Or perhaps he just always tries to bang you from behind, he gets off, then craps on the carpet, then you smack him in the nose with a newspaper. If that's the case, then you are both beyond help.

Dear Man Who Wants to Politely Tell a Woman That You Cheated,

Try this one.

"Darling. You know that I love you. In the night, when you are not with me, I often long for you. To be close to you. I want to hold you in my arms forever. I sometimes (as silly as this sounds) have held on to my pillow, imagining that it's you, breathing quietly into my chest. I pretend I'm watching you sleep. I miss you. Oftentimes, this pillow isn't very satisfying. Which is why last Wednesday, I slept with your sister. She was so much better than the pillow. Please forgive me."

After your girlfriend or wife freaks out on you and hopefully breaks up with you, please take time to learn this lesson:

If you are sorry about something, it's "You're sorry." Not "Your sorry."

Let me use it in a sentence.

Your sorry ass should tell your girlfriend that you're sorry about cheating.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006