In case you are wondering why I seem so much cooler and three hours earlier, it's because I just got back from LA. I brought you all back a souvenir -- Hollywood magic!

I saw so many stars! Russell Crowe, Tom Cruise, the entire cast of King of Queens. Granted, they were all on billboards, but it's different in LA. Since the stars all live there, they all stand on the billboards to promote their movies and shows and they wave and throw glitter from above. The city is covered in glitter!

Truth is, I did see this guy at a restaurant. I wouldn't have known who he was, but he was pointed out to me. I would have just thought he was some regular idiot trying to look famous. There are a lot of people out there that look like they should be famous, but they aren't. They are just trying. I kept seeing people thinking, That guy might be from Survivor. Or a boy band. Or perhaps a sitcom on the WB. Or Shipmates.

Funny thing is, as you stare at some people wondering if they are famous, they stare back at you because they are wondering the same thing.

I never really know what to say when people ask me what I did on vacation. It was more exciting to talk about when you were a kid and there were amusement parks to rave about and other little thrills. Now I'm just like, "Um, well. I didn't shave." But I did have fun, I just never know what to talk about. It's mostly "you had to be there" kind of stuff.

I did fly Jet Blue, which was exciting. Direct TV on the plane. That's awesome.

My favorite thing to do now on airplanes is to go take a crap, and while taking that crap, I yell out "I'm taking a crap at 600 miles per hour!!!! This is the fastest speed at which I have ever crapped!!!"

That's a lie. At least the yelling part. But I do think about it and giggle. I like to imagine what it would look like if I wasn't enclosed in the bathroom on a plane. How funny would it be of you were just sitting in your front porch when all of the sudden, some guy goes flying by you on a toilet. "Did you see that? What was... ? Was that someone taking a crap at 600 miles an hour?"

So there you have it. If any of you thought, "I bet Mike will have some great stories about LA," you were obviously wrong. Oh wait! We did happen to drive by a theatre where they were premiering Eddie Murphy's new piece of shit, The Haunted Mansion. I saw Tracy Morgan being interviewed. I'm not sure if he is in the movie, but he was there. I have a feeling that Eddie Murphy's piece of shit will be out of the theatre faster than 600 miles per hour.