I recently spoke of my somewhat psychic tendencies. I very loosely predicted 9/11 and once in a while I have a dream that comes true. About two days before I went on vacation, I had a dream that I was at the beach house I was going to stay at. I was standing on the deck with my friend Rich when all of the sudden two fighter jets flew above us and started fighting. They weren't shooting missiles, but they were using the front ends of their jets to fight each other. They stopped in mid-air and started hitting each other. Rich said they were "sword fighting."

Now, that part didn't happen in real life. The thing with the sword fighting. But our house was about a half mile away from a naval base and there were jets flying all over the place. I just find that really bizarre. My brain occasionally scares me. I'm just waiting to see a dead person. Then I could start my own talk show where I say things like, "Is there someone in your family with a name that starts with the letter 'J'"?

Because of these jets, I also experienced my first sonic boom. Of course at first we had no idea what it was, but I asked the redneck neighbor and he confirmed it was a sonic boom. It didn't really shake the house. It was more of a sway. Pretty wild and scary.

That'd be a good name for a band. The Sonic Booms. It'd also be a great name for a professional wrestler. But I think the best use for it would be a porno star. Once Upon a Time in Sexico, starring Sonic Boom.

I was once asked to be in a porno. I was walking in a parking lot heading towards a bar in good ol' Red Bank, New Jersey. I was with a couple of friends who were a few steps ahead of me. I heard someone say "Hey. Hey, you." So I turned around and it was me that was the 'you' they were speaking to. There were two girls in an SUV. I figured they needed directions, because we all know women are always lost. I looked at them and inquired as to why they were calling me. Here was our conversation. My inner monologue is in italics.

Chick: You wanna be in a porno?

Me: I'm sorry, what? WHAAAA!?

Chick: Do you want to be in a porno?

Me: Uhhh, I don't know. Oh my God Oh my God Oh my God! Remember this moment Michael. It will never happen again.

Chick: Come on. We need some guys to be in a porno.

Me: Stall for time. Enjoy this moment. Um, I'm not sure. What's it about?

Chick: It's a porno.

Me: Uhh, I don't think so. I don't have a porn name. Damn I wish I could use the name Sonic Boom.

Chick: That's OK. We'll give you one.

Me: No, I'm sorry. I'll pass. What are you doing you fucking idiot??!?!?! Porno! You could be in a porno!

Chick: OK. Fine.

Me: Oh hey. By the way, where are you doing this porno? I didn't realize that the town of my birth was a hotbed for porno production.

Chick: It's up the street. It's an independent film.

Me: Oh, okay. You mean it's not one of those big budget special effects pornos?

So that was my near porno experience. I did walk into the bar where my friends asked, "What happened to you?"

There I was, arms raised announcing to the bar, "I just got asked to be in a porno!"

And that, my friends, was the greatest moment of my life. Well, not really. And to be honest, these ladies were not all that attractive. Not hideous, but not the kind of girls I'd like to be in a porno with. I hold myself to a higher standard. I'm sure if I was coming out of the bar, I would have jumped in the back of that SUV with my bangin' boots on. Yes, I do have bangin' boots.

Well, no. No I don't.