Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Wednesday, September 24, 2003

I feel that I am currently in a dry spell. I need inspiration. Often when I start writing about how I have nothing to write about, I end up writing about something, and it often ends up fairly interesting. So I'm going to keep writing until I think of something.

Jim Belushi and Courtney Thorne Smith presented at the Emmys. Me and my roommate Mandy are more deserving of presenting at the Emmys. When we watch TV, we are way funnier than anything that's ever been on According to Jim. We should have our own show called, Mike and Mandy Watch TV. It would just be a show of us on the couch watching TV and commenting on it. Sort of a Mystery Science Theater, but for TV. And there are no limits to what we watch. We'll go from Oprah to C-SPAN to Hollywood Squares. This would be a great show and change the face of television.

It's probably not healthy how much TV we watch, but who are you to judge us? We are really good at it. We'll watch anything. Remember when I talked about that Freddy Prinze movie? That was with the help of Mandy. She inspires me to sit longer than I normally would. Many of my thoughts and comments on here have been born from watching TV with Mandy.

All of these dead celebrities are making me realize that when our generation (mid twenties people) gets older, we are going to have dead celebrities every day. Think about it. There are way more celebrities now than there ever were before. With hundreds of cable channels, reality TV shows that have a new cast every season, there are just so many celebrities waiting to die. Granted, people on reality television aren't real celebrities, but you get my drift. There will have to be a special obituary section just for dead entertainers.

"Jan 20, 2063 -- The entertainment world is mourning the loss of tons of people once again today. Jamie from Real World New Orleans, that chick who lost to Richard on the first Survivor, one of the kids from Making the Band, and Dave Attell, who hosted the Comedy Central show 'Insomniac' all died today. Hollywood is still reeling from yesterday's loss of the entire cast of the Real World Hawaii, who were on their way to partake in the Real World/ Road Rules challenge #457. Their plane crashed onto the studio where they were filming Big Brother 126, which killed all 57 house guests. Also today, Natalie Portman died of a heroin overdose at the age of 82."

Speaking of Natalie Portman, I'd like to talk about how much Star Wars blows. Well, not really. Sort of. Hold on. I'll get to Star Wars in a minute.

I hate watching movie trailers and reading movie reviews. They both give away too much. It's frustrating when major plot points are divulged. Even saying something like "And the surprise ending will be such a surprise!" Just telling me that there is a surprise ending kind of ruins the surprise. I heard so much about movies like The Sixth Sense and The Usual Suspects and their surprise endings, that when I saw the movies, the surprise was dampened. I still liked both movies, but I was expecting something the whole time, so I was always trying to guess. "OK, he must be Keyser Soze. No wait. He's Keyser Soze! No! I'm wrong again! Bruce Willis is actually dead AND he's Keyser Soze! And that chick is actually a dude!"

Here's what I hate about movie critic reviews. Because of the way media ownership is these days, you never know who is getting paid to say what. You know who signs Roger Ebert's checks? Walt Disney. Well, not actually him. Not yet at least. He's still an ice pop, but his company does. Try and find Ebert give a bad review to a Disney movie. There might be one here or there, but for the most part he gushes over anything Disney. His Finding Nemo review was just a picture of him jerking off on a fish.

Also, when Star Wars Episode 1 came out, he was the only critic or media outlet to get a one-on-one interview with George Lucas. He had an entire show devoted to the interview. All other interviews were done at press junkets. The next week he gave the review, and it was glowing. Do you think he would dare to say anything bad about it after Lucas gave him the interview? Hell no. But not only did he give a good review (there were a few critics who liked it), he talked about how Jar Jar Binks was a great character. Come on! Here is what I imagine how it went when they arranged the interview:

Roger: Hey George, how are you?

George: What's up you fat shit?

R: Please don't call me that.

G: Sorry. What's up?

R: I was wondering if I could get an interview with you for my show. A full on camera sit down interview.

G: Well, I really don't do that.

R: Please? My ratings have gone down pretty far ever since Siskel died.

G: OK, tell you what. Ill do it, but I need you to give me a good review.

R: No problem.

G: The only thing is, it'll be difficult to give it a good review. This movie sucks. Real bad. It is so bad. Nothing but special effects.

R: Don't worry about it. I'll give it a good review.

G: One more thing. There is this character called Jar Jar Binks.

R: Jar Jar?

G: Yeah, it was my kid's idea. This thing is terrible. An embarrassment to film, really. I'm going to get strung up for this. I need you to say something good. It doesn't even have to be that good. Just say something like, "And Jar Jar Binks doesn't suck that much."

R: Done. If you want me to just put a picture up there of me wacking off onto C3P0, I'll do it.

G: You've been asking me if you could do that ever since 1977. I'd really rather you didn't.

R: But I've already got the pictures.

G: No.

R: What about R2-D2.

G: Look, I'll be there tomorrow for the interview. Keep your pants on.

All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006