Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Tuesday, September 16, 2003

Do you want to delete the 1,640 emails marked for deletion in your inbox?

Yes, Mr. Computer. Yes I do.

Nothing like coming back to work after a week of vacation and going through a bunch of emails, most of which have absolutely nothing to do with me.

In case you are interested, the wedding and the entire week were more fun than I could handle. I thought I'd have all of these hilarious stories to relay to you, but most of them would just end up with me saying, "You had to be there. It was hilarious."

There was a smattering of random foot injuries that plagued the week. A Racquetball accident, a cut foot on a shell, a Murphy bed casualty, a sliced toe thanks to a sharp metal edge underneath a passenger seat and finally, I twisted my ankle while dancing at the wedding. All of these incidents led to the motto, "If you didn't hurt your foot, you were partying like a pussy." I feel like there was another injury, but I can't recall it right now.

I'd like to point out that I wasn't doing a normal dance. There were some violent moves involved that led to it. But I didn't quit. I kept dancing like an ass. Then I got kicked by someone who shall remain nameless, but her name rhymes with Jodie. So I took a short break and got back out there and caused more damage. Since no one had a painkiller shot, shots of bourbon took care of the pain.

So do I feel like a pansy because I injured my foot while dancing? You better believe it. Here are some alternatives:

-- I hurt my ankle when I saved the groom who was about to fall off of his hotel balcony. Since I was holding the rings in both of my hands, I had to offer my ankle to save his life. He hung on to it as I pulled him back up, while my ankle twisted and turned in directions that ankles are not supposed to. It was all worth it because I saved my best friend's life, the rings, and the wedding. Also, while I was doing this, I was breast feeding a baby I rescued the night before from a dumpster.

-- I was staying at the same beach house as Shaquille O'Neal. We had a game of one-on-one. I was going up for a rebound and came down and I landed on his foot, which turned my ankle. I still beat him 21 - 4.

-- My parachute didn't open.

-- I was in a hopscotch contest with Shaquille O'Neal. I hurt my foot when I landed on a piece of dandruff that fell off of Shaq. I still beat him 21 - 4. I was breast feeding that baby as well.

In case you are wondering, and I know you are, I looked really awesome in my tuxedo. I think I might start coming to work in a tux. People can't help but respect you when wearing a tux. I'll just walk all over the office and start ordering people around.

"When did Mike get promoted?"
"I don't think he did."
"Well, he's wearing a tux and telling people to do shit."
"Damn! I guess he's the boss now."

Then I'd walk in with my tux, a top hat and a monocle.

"OK, I need you, you and you in my office now."
"Um, Mike. Where is your office?"
"Handicapped stall. Pronto."

I'd give myself the title of Chief Executive Awesomer. I'm very excited about my new job.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006