Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Thursday, September 18, 2003

Boys will be boys. Albeit boys who like to sodomize each other with pine cones.

BELLMORE, N.Y. -- A Long Island school board has unanimously voted to end a high school football team's season amid allegations that some players were sexually assaulted by older teammates at a training camp in Pennsylvania last month.

Newsday reported that three varsity players allegedly sodomized three junior varsity players with a broomstick, pine cones and golf balls while other players watched. One of the students was injured so badly that he required surgery, the newspaper said.

I think this high school is totally overreacting to what the players did. I mean, come on. What high school player hasn't been raped with a broomstick or a pine cone? I played football in high school and hardly a day went by when an inanimate object wasn't stuck up my ass. There was this one time, Chris, the star player, came up to me and was like, "Mike, you dropped a quarter." I was like, "Oh really, I don't remember dropping any quarters, but I guess I should bend down to pick it up, just in case."

Next thing I know, I've got this giant pool cue up my ass! Oh man it was hilarious. It hadn't ever been sanded either. It was taken from the pool cue factory before it was finished, so it was all jagged. Oh, the splinters! All the guys were pointing at me calling me Pool Cue Up the Butt Toole. I remember someone saying, "Eight ball, center pocket!" The center pocket being my ass. Great times.

Sure I can't go number 2 without experiencing the most excruciating pain in my life, but it was hilarious! Everyone signed my yearbook saying something like, "Remember that time we stuck that pool cue up your butt? Have an awesome summer!" Or, "Hey Mike. I can't believe this year is already over! It flew. Mrs. Murphy's class sucked! What a bitch. Anyway, have a great summer! PS, watch out for pool cues up your ass! Try not to pick up any more quarters Pool Cue Up the Butt Toole!"

Sure, I can't sit down comfortable at all and I need to sit on an inflatable donut for the rest of my life, but it really provided the highlight of my high school career.

Some day I'll have to tell you all about how the quarterback shoved a stuffed and mounted swordfish up my ass. It was awesome.

Parents and adults these days are just so quick to overreact.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006