I would hate to die in a car crash. I bring this up because Herb "Miracle on Ice" Brooks just died in one, and I've been watching lots of Six Feet Under lately, so I've been seeing many ways to die. Plenty of people say they prefer the Dying in Your Sleep route, but I don't think I want that. I would like to know that my time here is almost over. But not like cancer where you get months or years to think about it. I just want a few moments. I definitely don't want to drown, because I came close to that when I was a kid, and it sucked. Fucking scary.

Maybe the Innocent Bystander route is the way to go. Some gang violence that I accidentally got caught up in. As I feel the bullet stopping the flow of blood and oxygen to my brain, I can whisper my last words to someone who is trying to help me. Hopefully his name is Paco. "I'm not going to make it, Paco. Please tell my family I love them and I am sorry. Also, because I am the victim of some senseless violence, please set up a scholarship in my name. You know, for some inner-city kids or some shit like that. Also, I'd love a statue. Maybe one in a park. Make me look taller than I am though. And name the park after me please. Thank you, Paco. Oh also, if for some reason I live, can you tape the MTV Video Awards for me tonight? The first airing is always the best because it's pretty much live and sometimes they don't bleep out all of the curses in time. You never know with Fred Durst. He's a loose cannon, that guy. Thank you, Paco. And one more thing. There are some bananas in my kitchen that are going bad. I'd hate for there to be fruit flies when people are cleaning out my apartment. That would get really annoying. Here are my keys. Go eat those bananas or throw them in the trash. There is a blank tape in the VCR for the video awards. Well, it's not really blank. It's got last night's Mets game on it, but you can tape over it. The VCR has to be on the channel you want to record, in order for it to work properly. Thank you, Paco, you courageous stranger."

A lot of things would have to fall into place for this to happen, of course (Video Awards, rotting bananas, Paco), but a man can dream about his ideal death, can't he?

I wouldn't want to get shot in the heart, because it would suck to have Bon Jovi's "Shot Through the Heart" stuck in my head just before I die, or while I'm in line in Heaven. Maybe "Livin' on a Prayer."