You know what's awesome about God? He never has to ask for directions. He can never get lost. That'd be sweet. I wish I was fucking God. Well, not actually fucking God. I imagine that would be way too intense. And He'd probably want to be the one to fuck me, you know? I don't think God would want to be on the receiving end. Anyway, what I should have said was, I fucking wish I was God. Or perhaps I should have just left the "fucking" out altogether. I mean, I am talking about God. He might find me one day and be like, "Toole. Hey, listen. I enjoy the blogging, but all that cursing. Is it really necessary? Just a thought. I think your humor stands well enough on its own without all that foul language. Especially that part about you having relations with Me. No offense, man, but I wouldn't fuck you with Buddha's dick. Just jokes, dude. Keep up the cursing, you asshole. But seriously, I would never fuck you."

Anyway, back to my original point. It would be nice to never have to ask for directions. God knows where everything is. I was just thinking about this because I saw a ton of people lost on my lunch break. I helped none of them. Someone actually asked me recently where this dive bar was and I knew where it was. It's not a popular bar at all, so the fact that they asked someone who knew was pretty impressive and lucky. I guess I have that "He must know where a lot of dive bars are" kind of look. I hate when people ask me where something is that I should absolutely know, like the Empire State Building. The last time I was asked that I actually looked up at the buildings, as if these tourists wouldn't have thought of that. I had no idea what street it was on. So I thought I'd look up, assuming it'd be right there. You'd be amazed how often you can't see that big bastard. You'd also be amazed at how stupid I looked when I did that. I should have just said "Me no speak English" and ran away. But I just kept babbling. I was like, "I know it's around here somewhere. I just saw it." It was like I was looking for my keys. I pointed them in a general direction and wished them the best. I was afraid I was going to see the cover of the NY Post the next day with the headline, "TOURISTS MURDERED WHILE LOOKING FOR EMPIRE STATE BUILDING" with the subhead, "Local Idiot Responsible."