I saw the fireworks in DC this past weekend and I've got two words for you, not including the word "and", in which case I have three words for you, and an exclamation point: Shock and Awesome!

OK, that's a tad bit of a lie. They were cool but I'm not a huge fireworks fan. Especially when they are just the fireworks and there's no theme or music to accompany them. Like in Disney World, they've got the music and it's supposed to be like "Fantasia" or something and they somehow make it look like Mickey Mouse is shooting fireworks from his dick. That's pretty cool.

The DC fireworks had some really cool moments, but I can only take about ten minutes of fireworks and these were 20 minutes long. Fireworks are kind of like porno. There are some moments throughout that are really impressive, but for the most part there's just a lot of little bullshit that doesn't do anything for me. Then they get to the Grand Finale (the Money Shot) and just like that, it's over. And then I feel dirty and I go to confession.

The worst use of fireworks I've ever seen was about a week after Sept. 11th, the St. Louis Cardinals were the first team to play a baseball game since the attacks. So they have a tribute and all that, they sing the National Anthem, and then all of the sudden they set off a huge arsenal of fireworks. Maybe because it was the Midwest and pretty far removed from everything, they really didn't have the best grasp on how to go about it. But no one here really wanted to see a ton of explosions in the sky. Just watching it on TV, I was kind of freaked out. "Hey, St. Louis? We're a little on edge here. You wanna tone down the Bangs and the Booms a bit? Thanks, that'd be swell."

After the fireworks this past weekend, we went to a bar where CNN was on one of the TVs. I guess CNN, in honor of the 4th of July, was doing a recap of the war. Sort of like a Plays of the Year for America. Or America's Greatest Hits. After just seeing the fireworks outside, I thought maybe they were showing some celebrations from around the country, but it was the actual Shock and Awe campaign. Baghdad's fireworks were way better than DC's. We spared no expense in putting on a good show for them. And then they have the nerve to go and try to kill our soldiers. That's gratitude for you!

I know this is kind of old news, but the whole thing with Bush saying "Bring 'em on" is so ridiculous that I have to say something.

Bring 'em on? Are you serious? How can he say this? It's an easy thing to say while you sit in the relatively safe White House, but if I was a soldier out there who is seeing other soldiers get shot in the head while shopping, I think I'd be a tad pissed. And if I was an Iraqi kid who is hesitant about what to do and how to feel about the Americans in my country, that might push me over the edge. "OK. I guess the president wants us to make it interesting. I was going to go try and get a job, or maybe do some looting, but instead I think now I'll go shoot a soldier. Thank you brave President Bush for showing me the way!"

The president should now just be interviewed in a locker room. He obviously thinks being the president is a sport, so we should treat it as such. Have him there saying, "You know, we are just going to take it one suicide bomber at a time."