I've got nothing new to write today, so here is an old email I sent out on Oct. 14, 2001 about what I thought our nation's reaction to Sept. 11 should have been. Not very timely, but whatever.

So after Osama bin Laden has threatened America and declared a holy war, I think I saw the best response back to him so far. I saw it written on the back of a van on a construction site. It said, "Osama, kiss my balls!"

Take that Osama.

Instead of saying all of the things that President Bush has been saying over and over again, I think he should incorporate that quote in his next statements...

"Make no mistake about it... Osama will kiss my balls."

"This is a different kind of war. A war in which Osama bin Laden will have to kiss my balls, and the collective balls of America."

"You are either with us or against us. And if you are against us, you will kiss my balls."

"We're gonna smoke them out of their holes, and when they get out of those holes, they will have some balls to kiss. Mine. My big hairy Texan balls will be staring Mr. bin Laden in the face, and he will be forced to kiss them."

"Those countries who support and harbor terrorists will be targeted. Targeted by my balls. Balls that they will eventually have to kiss. If they want to suck on them, that's fine too. Teabag them if you want, I don't care. As long as these countries and Osama bin Laden somehow get their lips and mouths on my sack and do whatever they want to these balls of mine, we'll be victorious. These colors don't run, Mr. bin Laden, and neither do my balls."

"America should go about their daily business. Go shopping, go to work, go to baseball games, get your balls kissed and/or sucked by Osama bin Laden. We can't be frightened by these terrorists. I am going about my normal business, which is trying to get bin Laden to kiss and/or suck my balls. And I promise you this America. He will suck my balls, and if you want, I'll get him to suck your balls too."

If President Bush says this, I think America will be just fine.

God bless America, and God bless our balls.