Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Wednesday, June 25, 2003

If I was forced to write a bad Saturday Night Live sketch right now about weather in the Northeast, this is what it would be. It takes place in God's office. God is played by Alec Baldwin, who is hosting, and Mother Nature is played by Rachel Dratch. There is also a lot of cursing.

Mother Nature (knocking on God's door): Hey God? You got a sec?

God: Hey Big Momma! Come on in! What's going on?

MN: Well, um. I kind of screwed up.

God: Screwed up what? What's going on?

MN: Well, it's the Northeast.

God: Norhteast? Can you be more specific?

MN: Oh, sorry. The northeast in the USA.

God: OK. What happened?

MN: Well, about a month ago, I turned on the rain there. And I kind of forgot about it and it's been raining for a month.

God (Stroking his beard): Hmmm, OK. The entire Northeast?

MN: Yes. Pretty much from DC to Maine.

God: Maine?! Holy shit, I totally forgot about Maine (laughs). Oh man, I was so high when I did that. Maine. That was hilarious. It's actually a pretty funny story. I made Canada, then I had this whole extra piece that I didn't know what to do with. Actually, never mind, it's not that funny. I guess you had to be there. Maine.

MN: Hmm, I guess so. So anyway, about the rain. I basically forgot to give them Spring. What do you want me to do?

God: OK, tell you what we are going to do. We won't tell anyone about this. This is off the books. We are skipping Spring. Just go right into Summer. I'm talking 95 degrees. Shit like that. Hot, hazy and humid, the whole ball of wax. Make 'em sweat. Hopefully, no one will notice. Just make it up to them in the Fall. Give them a nice September.

MN: Oh, thank you so much.

God: Mother Nature, I've noticed this has been happening a lot lately. I know you are getting on in years. Maybe it's time to hang 'em up.

MN: No, I promise I'll do better. I'm starting to write things down more. I also bought this thing from TV, where it's supposed to help me remember things.

God: OK, fair enough. And to tell you the truth, I've been screwing up a lot lately too. That whole Middle East thing is way out of hand. I'm at a loss. Last night, I tried to start working on it again, and I was just like, "Shit! What the fuck did I do here!?" For some reason I was doing a lot of stuff with the Arctic. I don't know what I've been thinking. There's nothing going on there. But I was like, I've gotta do something with all this ice. Boredom, I guess. Meanwhile, I didn't realize these fuckers are blowing each other up left and right and doing it in my name, of all things.

MN: I guess we've all had a lot of stuff on our minds lately. OK, God, I'm going to go back to work.

God: OK. Hey, you brought that rain to Arizona like I asked, right?

MN: Shit! I'll go do that right now.

(Mother Nature leaves, then there is another knock at the door. It's Old Man Winter, who's real name is Gus, being played by Will Ferrel doing a cameo.)

Old Man Winter: Hey God. Can I talk to you?

God: Sure. What's up you old bastard?

OMW: Not much. look, I'm going to cut right to the shit. Is Mother Nature going to retire or what? She's fucking up left and right.

God: Look, I know. But my hands are tied. She doesn't want to leave.

OMW: Dude, fucking fire her.

God: Gus, you and I both know I can't do that. She's going to have to leave on her own. If I fire the only woman I've got working for me, how bad is that going to look? The liberals and chick groups will be on my ass so fast.

OMW: You fucking pussy. This is bullshit. You know I can do a much better job than her. She made it snow in April, she left the rain on for a month. A fucking month. There have been 50 degree days in June. You've gotta do something.

God: Gus, I'm sorry. She's not leaving. And come on, please don't call me a pussy. I'm God.

OMW: I'm sorry. I'm just fucking sick of this. I've been doing this Winter shit for how long now? It feels like for fucking ever. Come on, I know I can do Spring.

God: I know you can too, and I'd like to give you a shot, but it's Mother Nature's gig.

OMW: This is bullshit, dude, and you know it. I'm so sick of blowing ice and snow on people. I need a change. Honestly, if the job market was better, I'd be so outta here.

God: Look, I don't want you to quit. And I don't think you want to quit. What are you complaining about? You've got one of the easiest jobs up here.

OMW: I don't know. I just need a change. If I don't get a promotion, I think I'll just quit. I kind of want to move to San Francisco. I just need a change of scenery.

God: I'd hate to see you go. I wish I could do something but, right now, I can't.

OMW: Fuck. This is just a hard time right now in my life. I'm at a crossroads.

God: I know. Why don't you just sleep on it and talk to me tomorrow.

OMW: OK. We're still on for golf, right?

God: You better believe it. And remember the rules, if you don't hit the ball past the ladies' tee, you gotta play the rest of the hole with your dick out!

OMW: Yeah yeah yeah. You'll use any excuse for you to whip that monster out, huh?

God: Hey, I'm God and it's my penis. You'd do the same thing.

OMW: You're right. See you tomorrow.

God: Peace out.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006