Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

I turned on Ricki Lake yesterday and the topic of her show was "I want you to sleep with me." I kind of want to go off on a tangent about how retarded our culture is becoming and how dumb we are as a country, but I won't because I won't offer any new ideas. It'll basically come off as sounding like, "Won't someone PLEASE think of the children!?" But we shouldn't be shocked when we hear something like a six year old boy saying or doing something sexual to a female classmate, then they punish the child. I don't remember the specifics but there was some kid a couple of years ago who got suspended for sexual harassment. Motherfucker please. When you can watch Ricki Lake have people begging to get fucked at 4 in the afternoon, shit's gonna happen. Yes yes, I know, where are the parents? Shouldn't they be supervising this? Come on! You were never left alone as a child, maybe once or twice?

By the way, if you are a child, you should not be reading any of this. Please go to this site and learn something.

Further evidence of our descent into idiocy:

Paradise Hotel is FOX's newest reality show. From what I can gather, beautiful people have to stay at some beautiful resort and then fuck each other. The guy doing the voice over on the Paradise Hotel commercial said, "If you don't hook up, you go home." So there is finally a game show where the ultimate goal is sex. Remember when Club MTV was considered too raunchy? Looking back, that show is like the Mickey Mouse Club. Here are some other shows currently in the pipeline that would have been unthinkable just a few years ago:

-- "Name That Infection" -- A follow-up to Paradise Hotel, this will be a game show where we look at the genitalia of the Hotel contestants and guess what diseases they have. America will get the chance to vote for their favorite disease. The winning disease will get a record deal with Columbia Records and Merck.

-- "Get Your Dick Wet!" -- From the producers of Temptation Island "comes" this show about five fraternity brothers who compete to see which one can get laid the most within two weeks. What the guys don't know, though, is that all of the women they meet work for the show. The other twist? We put holes in all of the condoms - hee hee! Whoever fathers the most children will be rewarded with their own reality show called "Suicide Watch." If a contestant doesn't impregnate any women, they will get their own sitcom about a bumbling, childless cop called "Shootin' Blanks."

-- "Will This Fit Up Your Ass?" -- Inspired by gross-out shows like Jackass and the Tom Green show, "Will This Fit Up Your Ass?" is a show where our Man on the Street walks around Los Angeles asking people, "Hey, will this fit up your ass?" Carrying random objects to stick up the asses of everyday people, we'll find out just what can fit up the average ass! If the object does fit up your ass, you win whatever that object is! And if it doesn't fit (up your ass), you'll be entered into a competition to have our very own plastic surgeon widen your ass passage! At the end of the season, a winner will be chosen at random from the people with the smallest asses (or assageways) to have their ass made larger.

-- "Ugly People Doing It" -- Tired of seeing gorgeous people on TV getting all the action? Well, their time to shine is over! This reality show features 11 ugly people getting the chance to have sex with each other. Vogue is already calling it "The funniest show of the new season! These people are so ugly. They'd never get laid in real life!"

-- "The Penis and Vagina Show" -- From the producers of Seventh Heaven, this show will feature penises going into vaginas.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006