Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Thursday, June 26, 2003

A good thing to do during a heat wave if you don't have air conditioning is go to the movies. (I hate calling it a heat wave when there have been only three hot days. It's the summer. It's supposed to be hot.) The theater is always nice and cool and dark. Yesterday after work I went by myself to see the Hulk and then snuck into Finding Nemo. I feel that not only is it my right to sneak into a movie after I've paid for one, it's an obligation. Ten dollars for what should be a matinee is bullplop. So I take it upon myself to get my ten bucks worth. Plus, it's so easy. Yesterday I walked right by a real live movie theater security guard who didn't bat an eye.

I made sure that when I went to see Finding Nemo it was late enough in the evening, so there wouldn't be too many kids in the theater. Not only do they make a lot of noise, but there is a lesson I learned a few years ago. I was unemployed and decided to go see Dogma, I believe. After Dogma, I happened to notice that Toy Story 2 was just beginning. Sweet! The original Toy Story was pretty funny, so this should be good. And free! Plus, I don't feel like going home and looking for a job, so this is just more entertaining procrastination. It was the middle of the week in the summer, so as I was sitting there I thought, Damn, there are a lot of little kids in here. I was sitting towards the back, far enough away from the kids where the noise should be minimal. But then I realized, You know what? I'm creepy! Here's a twenty-something white guy sitting by himself in the back row of a dark theater filled with kids. I should have just been wearing a hat that said, "PEDOPHILE." If I was a parent, I'd be a bit wary. Anyway, I stuck it out and watched the film, all the while feeling kind of uncomfortable. I think I thought about it so much that I started to become the guy I didn't want to be. I slunk down in my chair trying to hide myself, which only makes it all the more disturbing. I thought, You know, I kind of have to kidnap someone now. I've got a false reputation to uphold!

Yesterday as I was going into Finding Nemo I scoped it out first to make sure there wasn't some random camp trip or pre-school that may have been in there. It was mainly adults and only one little kid. And being that this is New York, there are always other people by themselves, so it's not as weird. (Toy Story 2 was in my hometown, which is much more suburban. In the 'burbs, only freaks go to the movies by themselves.) It was doubly important there weren't any kids in Finding Nemo, because while watching the Hulk, I was eating some popcorn (something I rarely do, but I needed dinner), and there was some butter that dripped through the bag and onto my crotch (well, onto my pants, but in the crotchal area). So now, not only would I be a guy by himself at a Disney movie, but I'd be a guy by himself at a Disney movie with a couple of odd stains in an area where stains aren't socially acceptable.

All in all though, I saw two good movies. My only complaint was the pre-film entertainment. Regal Cinemas has this thing called the 2wenty, which is a 20 minute show of some little films to keep you occupied and to get even more advertisements into the theater-going experience. One of the things was a feature that's on the Fast and the Furious DVD that was titled "Tricking Out a Hot Import Car." It shows people how to make their cars look really fucking stupid. You know, things like neon lights, fire that shoots out the tailpipe, a DVD player, a volleyball court, a dog kennel, a strip club, an aquarium, a speedboat or fuzzy dice on the mirror. One of the segments was called something like "House of Kolor" or "Kolor Koding," where they showed you how to paint your car an obnoxious color. Whatever the title was, the words were supposed to be spelled with the letter "C". Apparently, whoever was involved in the creative process for this was like, "You know what? The letter 'C' is so fucking gay. Let's man this shit up with a 'K'. Yeah, Kolor with a 'K'. When people see this, they will know not to fuk with us. Please note that when I say the word 'fuk', I'm not inkluding the letter 'C'. From this point forward, all words kontaining the letter 'C' will either be removed or replaked with a 'K'. When I get an opportunity, I will kompile a komplete list of kweer letters. I think 'Q' and 'U' will be next."

I hate when things are spelled wrong, which is why I urge you to tell me when you see a typo. Thank you.
All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006