The following is a memo from the Mayor to the People of New York City:

Dearest Citizens of New York,

We have been made aware of the situation in the sky. We have every available resource studying the obscenely bright object hovering above us today. According to some documents we found, it was referred to in olden times as the "Sun."

We are not sure of the "Sun's" intent. As of now, there is no reason to believe it wants to inflict harm upon us. But we can't be sure. As a precaution, please adhere to these regulations:

-- Do not stare directly at it; aside from the fact that it is uncomfortable to look at, we don't know whether or not it will be aggravated by people staring at it.
-- Do not throw common NYC trash at it (e.g., beer bottles, old MetroCards, unwanted babies, homeless people, etc.)
-- Do not listen to any music that might excite the "Sun," such as "Here Comes the Sun," "Good Day Sunshine," "Sunshine On My Shoulders," "Fortunate Son," "Cats in the Cradle," or "The Thong Song."

Many people are asking, "When will our wonderful clouds filled with thunder, lightning and rain return to us?" The truth is, we don't know. Hopefully, the clouds will return in time for the weekend, so they can protect us on our trips to the beach.

In the meantime, please stay inside and listen to state-approved music, such as "I'm Only Happy When it Rains." And believe me, as soon as I can find a reason to give the sun a summons, I will. If that big fat bastard so much as sits on a crate or on the subway steps, it will be reprimanded.

Sincerely,
Michael Bloomberg