The other day I was eating lunch in a big food court setting in the Jersey City office I no longer work in. Two maintenance men were sitting there eating lunch with nothing to say to each other. One was a small, weaselly looking fellow, and the other was an older, crotchety looking man. After saying nothing and just eating their food for a while, the smaller guy abruptly said, "You know who used to hump my girlfriend?"

I never found out who used to hump his girlfriend because my brain got stuck on the word "hump". Who actually uses that word when talking about sex? The only time it's ever used is when talking about bunny rabbits, or people who have lots of sex like bunny rabbits, or in the case of dogs having relations with a human leg. It's never used seriously.

"Dude, how was your date last night?"
"Pretty good."
"Oh yeah? Ya get humped?"

"Mary, how is your boyfriend?
"He's great. He humps me so good."

The weirdest part about it was this guy was talking about his own girlfriend.

Speaking of getting humped, I was recently at a gay bar for a friend's birthday party. He is gay, hence the gay bar. It wasn't some kind of unfortunate accident of a straight friend of mine. It wasn't like really gay gay bar, but more of a regular old bar, except most of the guys were checking each other out. I witnessed no openly gay relations.

The saddest part about the night for me was at one point I realized, that for the first time in my life, I was in a bar where I knew for a fact that I could have so easily gotten laid. Gay guys love the humping.