I got a new phone today. Very sad for my old phone. You might remember when my old phone was my new phone, and I took a picture of my old old phone to shame it. Well, now my new phone can take videos. Hello, YouTube!!! Hopefully, I will be there the next time a celebrity says the N word in a comedy club.

In memory of my old phone, I will now reminisce and go through some old text messages.

The first text message is fairly recent and it is from my younger sister. I woke up one day, turned on my phone, and this was the text: Sending you a pic of midget wrestling.

She didn't send the pic for three days! I was so bummed. Even more so when I got it, because it was difficult to even tell that they were midgets or that they were wrestling. It looks kind of like an elementary school play or something. Or something from Disney's Hall of Midget Presidents.



This next text is from my old pal Wilkens. I called him one night really drunk from a bar and had an apparent incoherent conversation. At least on my part. Anyway, the next day I woke up and had a text that read: I want to put my phone on your balls.

I had no idea what this meant. Luckily, gmail chat was there to clear things up:

me: hey, wilkens!
the last time i spoke with you, i was wasted
matt: this, this is very true
me: i don't remember so well
matt: it was quite hysterical, let me tell you
me: i have a text message from you saying 'i want to put my phone on your balls'
i've been trying to figure out what that could possibly mean
i am sure you did not want to really do that
matt: it's a direct quote from you, as you were talking to glenn that night.
although it actually might have been "i want to put my balls on your phone"
either way, it was funny.

Ah, drunken phone calls are always the best, and my old phone was kind enough to facilitate many of those.

Here is another one from my sister: Your father has the longest nose hair i have ever seen hanging out of his left nostril.

Hi dad! That was in December, so I am sure it's gone. And come back. And gone again.

The next one is from Meg, who wrote out of the blue one day: I just saw the fat you! My favorite part about it is how excited she seems to have been, and how she texted me immediately afterwards.

This one is from my lady and it's special because she used to hate baseball: Struck out chipper. 2 outs in 8th. 6 to 4 with tying runs on for atlanta.

See, she used to hate baseball and made that clear very early on in our relationship. Actually the second day that we pretty much knew each other, we were sitting at Wrigley Field when she told me she wasn't such a big fan of baseball. Ha! Not anymore. She now knows what it's like to be a Mets fan and how they will disappoint you after teasing for so long. See last year's playoffs. Anyway, she sent me that text when I couldn't watch a game for some reason.

Soon I will get her to like other things that I enjoy, like leaving socks all over the place and keeping the door open while pooping. Speaking of things she doesn't like so much, here is a text I sent to her a while ago: Love you too. sorry about the fart.

Here is a text I sent to Tania soon after we moved to Cleveland. It was one of my first nights out at a Cleveland bar: A fat midwest guy has his hand down the crack of his fat midwest girlfriends pants.

You know, because bars in New Jersey and New York are really classy.

I sent this one to Doug right after we landed in New Orleans for his wedding: Alberto has already shown me his boobs three times.


Here is my favorite. I sent this to Tania after I had to find a bathroom in a hurry while I was at a mall: While i am doing much better, the bathroom at borders may never be the same again.

Well, since I took a picture of my old old phone with my old phone, I guess now I should take video of my old phone. Better yet, here is a video of my old phone watching a clip on YouTube of Kramer saying "nigger." Video courtesy of my new phone.



Thanks for the memories, old phone!