My mom and I are Netflix friends. She has only rated probably ten movies, but when I view my friends page, the little trivia quiz is frequently a quiz about my mom and Roger Ebert and it always involves the same movies. And it goes like this:

Critical Disagreement!
Your mom disagreed with Chicago Sun Times critic Roger Ebert on only one of these movies and agreed on the others. Which of these movies did your mom dislike and Ebert like?

Forrest Gump
Steel Magnolias
There's Something About Mary
When Harry Met Sally

Most of you readers don't know my mom, but I think you can probably guess where she and Ebert disagree. If there were three movies that most moms would be happy to see, they would be Forrest Gump, Steel Magnolias and When Harry Met Sally. So my mom disagreed with Roger Ebert about There's Something About Mary. If it was Mom and Ebert instead of Siskel and Ebert, this would have been their conversation:

Ebert: What a blessed relief is laughter.
Mom: Oh, it was so stupid. Just dumb and gross.
Ebert: I love it when a movie takes control, sweeps away my doubts and objections, and compels me to laugh. I'm having a physical reaction, not an intellectual one. There's such freedom in laughing so loudly. I feel cleansed.
Mom: Oh, you're an idiot.

Those lines are taken directly from Ebert's review. What a homo. And my mom's lines are taken directly from what I believe she would say to Ebert.

Hey, because I have been bad at blogging and have had not much to blog about, I am going to answer some of those three questions people asked a really long time ago.

These are from Tommy.

1.) When you move to Cleveland, do you get one of the rubber Dog Masks a'la
the Browns' DawgPound for free, or do you have to buy it yourself?

Well, I have been here for nearly two months and I am yet to receive my Dawg Pound mask, so I guess I'd best buy one. I do live really close to the stadium, though, so maybe I can score one next season. The parking lot next to my building turns into a tailgate party on Browns Sundays, so maybe I will just wait until the end of the partying, then try to find a passed out Dawg and take their mask.


2.) At what point should one see a doctor about an ingrown toenail?

I don't know. I don't think I've ever had one that made me think I might need to see a doctor. Here you go... I found this link on WebMD.

I know you asked me this question in November, so I hope this wasn't a pressing medical issue, and if it was, I hope you sought out help other than mine.


3.) Would you be more interested or less interested in politics if matters
of election were settle in some manner other than voting? Perhaps a
pie-eating contest? Thumb-Wrestling? Raiders of the Lost Ark style
drinking contest?

More interested, of course. Last night I was awake at 4 or 5 in the morning, and ESPN2 had on the Arm Wrestling Championships. That would be pretty awesome, although George W. would probably win a lot. He seems pretty buff. But drinking contests? He'd get killed. Ted Kennedy would be our overlord by now.

Speaking of the presidency, isn't it kind of ridiculous that the flags are supposed to stay at half-staff for a month when a former president dies? A month? Look at this headline -- Period of national mourning for President Ford ends. Really? I was over it quite a while ago. I think Betty is probably over it by now. It's crappy because this means that some time in the future, the flags will have to be lowered for George W. Haven't we suffered enough? Some month in the future, we are going to have to look at half-staff flags to remind us of the worst president ever. (OK, maybe not ever. Granted, I don't know much about Franklin Pierce, other than that he apparently was known for asking, "Has anyone seen my wallet?" during his portrait.)

If this law was around in 1841, that means after William Henry Harrison died, the flag was at half-staff for thirty days, which was just as long as his entire presidency.

But we didn't start doing this until 1954, thank you very much Dwight D. Eisenhower. Egotistical prick.