Blogging Like I've Never Blogged Before

Sunday, October 31, 2004

On my way to a Halloween party last night, I was on the subway, when a big retarded black guy decided to stand by me. He smelled quite bad. A guy sitting across from me, who I think was drunk, had a face on that made it seem like he was smelling a septic tank. He then blurted out, "I don't know who the fuck is releasing bodily functions, but it's nasty. Fartin' ass on the subway. Who does that?"

Fartin' ass. I couldn't help but laugh.

Today, a mother was walking with her son and they were carrying groceries. They had stopped to readjust the bags. The son then dropped a bag, only after the mother had given him too much to carry. The bag he dropped apparently contained crackers in it. She said, "Those were the crackers, assface. Those. Were. The crackers."

She called her son assface. Perhaps that was his Halloween costume, but I'm not sure. I guess he ruined his mom's Annual Halloween Cracker Extravaganza.

I would like to take this moment to talk shit about Rubie's Costume Co. I purchased a fake mustache, which was going to be my costume for last night's party. I was going to be Guy With A Mustache. Since I didn't want to wear a fake 'stache on the subway, I waited until I got to the party to apply it. It was supposed to be sticky. It was not, and I couldn't get it to stick on my upper lip. Luckily, I brought a few more accessories so it seemed like I had somewhat of a costume. I had an Oak Ridge Boys t-shirt (emblazoned with the Boys themselves, an eagle, and an American flag) sunglasses, and best of all, Doug let me borrow his Bush-Cheney '04 trucker hat. I entitled this costume, "American Asshole."

It would have been better if the mustache stuck. Thanks for ruining my Halloween, Rubie's.

Here is a photo of my costume from last year, which was cooler. I went as a character, which my friend Robbie named Johnny Fuckoff. To my side is Adam. I'm not sure of his character's name, but I'm pretty sure he dealt drugs.

Last night's party was quite a party. Lots of people. The best part was when the cops came, and the guy who answered the door, happened to be dressed as a cop. I wanted him to say, "It's cool guys. I've already got it under control. See you back at the station." But he didn't. Wussy.

Finally, here is a photo from two years ago, where myself and Bill dressed up as elderly Chinese ladies.

All material © Mike Toole; 2003 - 2006